LOLIVIA

I debated sharing this here- it’s easy for me to say that I’m transparent with people because I really do share so easily about almost everything in my life, but I know there are some things that I don’t like to share- wanting to feel like I do have everything together and that it’s all fine. So I share this in humility, with the hope that it will be read with grace, and that maybe for some of you that have similar feelings or struggles, that you’d be encouraged and challenged.

I never wanted to be one of those people. The kind of person that has gets a boyfriend/girlfriend and suddenly you never see them anymore- they always have to spend every free moment with the other person, everything relates back to the other person, they change in potentially bad ways that you’d never expect them to, suddenly they’re PDA-y and make everyone feel awkward - these are all kind of extreme generalizations, but I felt that I had seen it happen…and I didn’t want to end up like that. 

And after 104 days of dating Kyle, I can say that I was quite wrong and judgmental about other people I saw enter relationships- or at least I can understand a bit more about the challenges and struggles and joys of being in a relationship, taking the plank out of my own eye first.

Yesterday was the first time I got to see Kyle in two weeks- not a long time to be apart, I realize, but for some reason, to me, it felt like forever. It was enough time to make me realize that touch is definitely one of my love languages. It was enough time for me to almost forget what it was like to hug him, hold his hand, be in the same room and laugh and talk - and for the whole 3 hours that he was here in Ithaca, I couldn’t help but feel sad knowing he was about to leave again. We moved all of his stuff into my room for temporary storage, and after he left, all I could do was look around, under my bed, in my closet, and realize that despite 80% of his room being in my room- his clothes, his books, settlers of catan,  his guitar, etc.- despite everything of his being here, he was not here. And that was what I missed the most. 

I am bad at saying goodbye- whether it be relatives, friends, graduates- but I found saying goodbye to Kyle to be particularly hard. I couldn’t understand why I felt so sad, why two weeks were going to seem like forever, and I wondered if it was always going to be this tough and I’d always be slightly distracted or sad, or if I’d just get used to it. I couldn’t understand why I felt so…wallowy or disengaged - and I felt a sense of alarm knowing it wasn’t just the normal sad or the healthy sad - but again, I felt like I was turning into one of those people that doesn’t know how to function without their significant other, that just sits around missing out on what’s going around them. 

But God is so good and faithful and gently reminded me through His word, and through song, prayer, and reading Tim Keller’s book on marriage- that life goes on, and that life - a life of joy, peace, and thankfulness is in God alone. That life goes on whether or not Kyle is here. Whether he’s in Michigan, in NYC, two floors above me, down the street, next to me, or as terrible as it sounds, not alive- I am not incomplete. My fulfillment or satisfaction is not in him, nor is my identity, my sense of being loved or my self worth.

Kyle can help remind me that where I truly find these things is in Christ. He can show me and help me practice sacrificial love, grace, truth, and forgiveness, but ultimately and most perfectly, this is all found in Christ. The one who makes me whole, who heals me, and calls me His daughter and precious one- He is the one that does not fail in faithfulness, love, and perfect grace, truth, and forgiveness. 

I am always reminded of the hymn, “Because He Lives” - because He lives, I can face tomorrow, because He lives, all fear is gone, because I know He holds the future- and life is worth the living, just because He lives. 

These things, these truths and ideas are nothing new. In fact, some of you might be thinking…well duh, shouldn’t you have known and held onto these things for the entire 104 days instead of it really hitting you now? Oh, these truths were there- it was just that I never really had to preach them to myself until he was gone. And I know that all the more it’s important to preach these things to myself when he’s here too!

And so, to my tumblr followers, to my CBS brothers and sisters and whoever else creeps on this blog via google reader ;) maybe it’s not a relationship where you find yourself forgetting the true reason of why life is worth living, or where you find your fulfillment, worth, and satisfaction in- but I know there are many things in life that we can try and derive all of this from- be it our own ministry, fellowship group, friends, academics, jobs, etc. 

I’m sorry to those that I’ve judged, and I hope that together we can sharpen one another in truth and in love. Thank you for your patience and grace as I continue to learn and grow :) I know I will still struggle, and that it will always be a battle, but I pray that by the power of the Spirit who reminds us of Truth- that my heart and mind will continue to be transformed. To continue knowing and feeling that Christ is my reason to sing, and to live- and how this grounds how I feel and act about ALL things in life.

I love love love this article from the Resurgence, that speaks on what it means to have a gentle and quiet spirit (expounding on 1 Peter 3). I know the question always comes up in our split gender times in my fellowship, and we also discussed it in sister group.

It’s a really interesting explanation, for both girls out there that feel they are loud, boisterous and naturally bold leaders, and that they’d never have a gentle and quiet spirit - as well as girls that think they’re already on the more quiet and gentle side. The article challenges and encourages ALL types of women to discover what God finds beautiful :) 

a few tidbits- read the whole article though for all context and thoughts, and her part 1 too on beauty! :) 

Gentle does not mean mousy or weak. It does mean strength derived from and under the control of the Holy Spirit. The default response of our hearts is often harshness. It feels powerful and usually gets the job done. Children and husbands alike can be effectively and sinfully shut down by a harsh word or glance. A gentle woman will trust her Father’s provision, identify with the righteousness of Christ, and be filled with the Holy Spirit to such a degree that she will be known for her strength that shines brightly for God’s glory alone.

Quietness that is self-protective or driven by fear of what others think is not pleasing to God. Neither is gentleness in the face of peril or temptation that requires the strength to fight back.

There’s nothing like the warmth of a summer afternoon
Waking to the sunlight, being cradled by the moon
Catching fireflies at night, building castles in the sand
Kissing mama’s face goodnight and holding daddy’s hand
Thank you, Lord, how could I ask for more?

Running barefoot through the grass, a little hide and go seek
Being so in love that you can hardly eat
Dancing in the dark when there’s no one else around
Being bundled ‘neath the covers, watching snow fall to the ground
Thank you, Lord, how could I ask for more?

So many things I thought would bring me happiness
Some dreams that are realities today
Such an irony the things that mean the most to me
Are the memories that I’ve made along the way

So if there’s anything I’ve learned 
From this journey I am on 
Simple truths will keep you going 
Simple love will keep you strong 
Cause there are questions without answers 
Flames that never die 
Heartaches we go through are often blessings in disguise 
So thank you Lord, oh thank you Lord 
How could I ask for more 

Cindy Morgan, How could I ask for more?

In an email from my dad (Mr. Lee) regarding my little sister’s NHS induction:

Then, after the ceremony as I was exiting the auditorium, one of the school administrators who was ushering the event said to me, “Congratulations, Mr. Wan!!!”  o.O  :)

oops. >_>

hahaha Mr. Wan has a son in my sister’s grade, so this isn’t tooo implausible, but lol lol. yay for ~10 asians per 350 total kids graduating at my high school.

p.s. good use of Asian smiley face, Dad! 

oh hello yesterday morning … >_>

collegegreeks:

(via keruth)

junebugkim:

Flowers.
The beauty of nature packaged into neat bunches, 
wrapped in cellophane. 

It’s funny,
the act of buying and giving flowers. 

Like purchasing happiness that will eventually fade,

Like throwing money at a temporary high,

Like putting hope in what will most definitely disappoint.

And yet we contemplate, buy, give, receive, and relish flowers. Because they are beautiful and brighten our days and are sometimes just plain worth it. Because as temporary as they may seem, they make smiles appear and chins lift a bit higher.

Psalm 103:15 says,

As for man, his days are like grass; he flourishes like a flower of the field;

Given that, I cannot imagine what it’s like for the one who created man. And purchases, redeems, and loves man over and over again. 

found squah’s tumblr :P saw this, loved the post and this perspective on flowers. to the special someone who gave me the flowers in the photo that accompanies this reblog, thank you for making me smile :)